Stop! Police.

10 stupid questions that police ask when they stop you in your car and 10 suitably stupid replies*

1) ‘Can you step out of the vehicle please?’
“No, I’m afraid I can’t. I can lurch out of the vehicle, roll out of the vehicle or even ease my way out of the vehicle, but until I own a gladiators chariot or a Popemobile I will never be able to ‘step’ out of a vehicle because that requires being in a standing position.”

2) ‘Is this your car Sir/Madam?’
Look around the car whilst developing an ever increasing look of surprise and suspicion then reply… “Oh my God! No, it isn’t officer. Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention. Now where the hell is my car?”

3) ‘Have you been drinking?’
a) “Yes I have officer. Can you drive me home because I’m pissed?”
b) “Yes, I have been drinking since the day I was born. Human beings are made up of 90% water and apparently if we stop drinking we will dehydrate and die within a couple of days.”

4) ‘Do you know what the speed limit is?’
“I’d imagine it is just enough to keep you awake and hyper but not so much that you become addicted.  I prefer a combination of cocaine and cannabis myself, speed makes you way too thin and cranky.”

5) ‘Do you know why I stopped you?’
a) “Err, is it because I was moving?”
b) “We’re you bored and fancied a chat?
d) “I’ve left the arm of that dead body hanging out of the boot haven’t I?”

6) ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’
“Yes I do, but I was trying to go faster and picking up a lot of speed until you stopped me.”

7) ‘Can I see your driving license please?’
“Certainly, but you will have to go to the DVLA in Swansea because they took it off me weeks ago because driving the wrong way up a one way road at 63 miles per hour in a 30 zone whilst drunk and disqualified is quite dangerous and also illegal apparently.”

8) ‘Have you got anything in the boot?’
“Yes officer, I have some upholstery, a spare wheel and a jack. You might also find some jump leads, a tow rope and a dead body. That’s probably why I was going so fast, if you don’t get them in the ground early they start to smell.”

9) ‘Can you give me your name and address please?’
“No, they belong to me and if I give them to you people might mistake me for a twat instead.”

10) ‘Are you trying to be funny?’
“Well if you can’t tell by now then you are never going to make Detective.”

Bonus question: ‘Don’t move or I’ll shoot.’
Sorry, there’s no appropriate response to this question because moments later you’re probably dying from a gunshot wound.

Now here are some videos from YouTube where Police Officers are made to look stupid. These are both educational and amusing.

*Use of these replies is entirely at your own risk. I accept no responsibility for you getting dragged out your car and beaten into a coma with a baton by a humourless, bitter and angry buffoon in uniform. However, if this does happen and you claim and subsequently win a substantial amount in damages, then I want a 10% instigation fee.

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About beasleygreen

I am Beasley Green and I confess to feeling a little bit dirty. The acrid scum-stain of hypocrisy is smarting in my mouth as I type these words because it feels like ego-porn. I can actually feel a hint of whiplash from the abrupt u-turn I've taken by subscribing to this blogging malarkey. You see, I have a thorough contempt for the contemporary culture of the vapid, self-absorbed, reality TV ‘star’, the Tweeter, and the social-media-poster-of-incessant-inane-personal-trivia - WHY DO YOU THINK I CARE!!?? But here I am, a random stranger in cyberspace offering up my opinion on the world we live in and the human creatures that inhabit and shape it - WHY DO I THINK YOU CARE!!?? Maybe I don’t think you care. Maybe it’s just a compulsion; a need to throw my pebble in the pond to try and stem the flow of utter shite gushing forth and threatening to demean every single higher attribute of humanity by pummelling our every sense with inane distractions via a small, corporate, cartel of pop-media moguls. A cathartic need to simply vent my spleen and have a platform to air my grievances with the world. Or perhaps I am just another self-absorbed ego-whore spreading my legs for the world to enter and I don’t even realise it. It could be any or all of these things, but one thing I promise you, unless you are totally illiterate, my musings, rantings and ramblings will be funny, insightful and thought provoking. They’ll probably be a little bit offensive too, but hey ‘sticks and stones’ and all that. If you are illiterate, then you could read with a dictionary and thesaurus by your side, but the literary momentum will probably be lost – but hey, God loves [laughing at] a trier! And I’d love to have you along for the ride anyway in the hope that you will improve your mind and your vocabulary, and have a smile along the way. So what will I be blogging about? Well I guess you should know a little bit about me to help you understand my perspective on the world, but I’m not going to tell you. It’s not about me. Lord knows there’s enough pretentious, posturing cocks out there who get paid good money to tell you a load of shit as directed by their editor, press officer or producer. No, I’m going to remain relatively anonymous so that you literally ‘take it as read’. I may sound sexist or racist at times, but I can assure you I am neither; I’m an egalitarian and exercise an equal opportunities policy in my misanthropy. My mother is a woman, as is my sister and my daughter - and I believe at least one of my nephews too - and I love them all. As far as having racist views, well that is impossible; my father is an Afronese-Celt whose Japanese mother settled in Ireland with my African grandfather, who was an RAF pilot during the bombing of Pearl Harbour in WWII. My Scandistani mother was the daughter of a Swedish explorer who married the woman who cared for him when he got lost on an expedition to Kathmandu (he got very lost). What that makes me is probably unpronounceable, but I reckon I tick every box – the main one being that I have dark skin. All those other boxes are just there to make sure that institutions aren’t seen to be racist, otherwise there would be more ‘mixed’ categories aside from the ones that involve the mixing of pigmentation – but lets save that for a blog one day eh. As far as my age and background are concerned; well lets just say I’m young enough to misbehave and old enough not to care. I have traversed the spectrum of socio-cultural experience and have learned life lessons that are priceless. As I write my blogs, touching on things as diverse as sport, fashion, religion, politics, philosophy and the threat of the New World Order, you will come to know me and maybe even love me. I don’t really care that much because we will probably never meet, and to quote Frank Skinner, “You can spend your whole life trying to get people to like you, but at the end of the day the turnout at your funeral will be largely dependent on the weather” - or whether you can get a day off work. Happy reading!

6 responses to “Stop! Police.”

  1. Jiksun says :

    Hi Beasley – not sure how I found my way to your blog, but just wanted to let you know I’m loving the writing and your sense of humour. Keep up the great work!

    • beasleygreen says :

      Hello Jiksun
      I appreciate your appreciation. The world needs more tongue in its cheek rather than literal swallowing :-)

      • Jiksun says :

        I couldn’t agree more. By the way, is Beasley Green your name or the name of that suicidal finger character in your profile pic? Because it sounds strangely apt for him.

      • beasleygreen says :

        It’s my name, that picture was taken after I accidentally poked him through the toilet paper when I was on the loo, he’s not been the same since. Now everytime I wash my hands he swears I’m trying to drown him.

Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. Stop! Police. | Forty Two: Life and Other Important Things | - December 16, 2012
  2. Stop! Police. « Serendipity - December 16, 2012

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